


Moving On

by durgasdragon



Series: Loathing [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-10
Updated: 2011-03-10
Packaged: 2017-10-16 20:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/durgasdragon/pseuds/durgasdragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi wants to move on.  Sequel to ‘Loathing’</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving On

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kiterie](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Kiterie).



  
  
**Moving On**   
  


_Disclaimer: This is a purely fan-made piece that is using the world and characters from Masashi Kishimoto’s_ Naruto _and is made entirely for enjoyment. No financial gain has been made in the making of this piece_

_Summary: Kakashi wants to move on. Sequel to ‘Loathing’_

_Author’s Note: Well, Kiterie, you asked for a sequel and here it is. Possible out-of-characterness and lotsa angst. May also contain gratuitous heart stomping._

_Constructive Criticism is always welcomed_

_Published: 27 February 2008_

_Rating: T_

“Iruka’s been trying to get in to see you,” Gemna remarked causally, flicking a card into the emptied shuriken pouch on the floor.

Kakashi kept his face blank. “Oh?” He asked in a bored tone of voice. He sent another card flying into the pouch.

“Yeah.”

A silence fell, neither man making any more noise than the soft sound of cards being tossed.

Gemna stretched after he threw his last card. “Well, thought you should know.” He dumped the cards out of the shuriken pouch onto the side table next to Kakashi and shoved his shurikens back inside. “Get better faster.”

Idly, Kakashi restacked the cards and tucked them into their tin. He didn’t want to think about Iruka wanting to see him; he didn’t want to think about Iruka, period. He had spent—and still did spend—too much time thinking about the chunin teacher. If he was ever going to piece himself back together properly, he needed not to think obsessively about what he no longer could ever have—screw ever having; he couldn’t even get within two hundred meters of the tan man without the restraining jutsu kicking in. He couldn’t even send _letters_ if he wanted to.

It had been a year and Kakashi thought he had made some progress. For Iruka to come and destroy all that—after he had demolished absolutely everything else in Kakashi’s life—seemed unreasonably unfair.

He wondered what would happen if he got angry. He wondered why Iruka was having a sudden change of heart. He wondered why he was wasting so much time and brain power on a man who had already once shattered him and before now, had wanted nothing to do with him.

Iruka _couldn’t_ be having second thoughts, not so long after he’d dumped Kakashi.

He wondered if it had something to do with his last mission—it was a medical miracle that he was still alive and in one piece. It was still up in the air if he’d ever heal enough to be a full ninja again, but Kakashi hoped that it wouldn’t come down to early retirement. He didn’t know what he’d do with himself if he couldn’t go out into the field again; he was supposed to die out there, not live some life trapped in the village.

If he couldn’t go back out into the field, he was going to run into all sorts of problems with avoiding Iruka; the village wasn’t big enough for him to escape the chunin school teacher as it was and if he had no good reason to leave the village any more…

Maybe he should consider moving to Sunagekure or something. Iruka never went to Suna and while Kakashi wasn’t big on scorpions, he figured they’d be easier to live with than always seeing what he could never have again from a distance of two hundred meters.

Actually, going to Suna didn’t sound like a bad idea. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like a good plan. It’d get him away from everything that reminded of him of Iruka in the village and—most importantly—it’d get him away from Iruka.

Maybe then he could finally get over the chunin and move on.

He nodded to himself. He’d put in a request with Tsunade when she checked on him later.

xXxXxXxXxXx

“Tsunade-sama said you wanted to go to Suna.”

Kakashi shut his eye and since his body didn’t start burning before it being repeatedly bashed into a wall because it was being forced away, he knew someone was playing a cruel and heartless joke on him.

He was in the hospital, for gods’ sake! Couldn’t they find better things to do with their time?

“Kakashi?”

He flinched and he felt the hand that was reaching for him freeze. “I would like to be left alone,” he said blandly.

He waited for the other person to leave, but they just stood there and he could feel the gaze on the back of his head.

“I think we need to talk,” that damn voice said finally.

“I think you need to leave.”

“Kakashi…” A long sigh…goddamn it. He knew that sigh. This was worse than a sick joke; this was simple cruelty.

He silently cursed Tsunade, the Elders, and anyone else involved in making this happen. It wasn’t fair to taunt him like this. What did they think that they were going to accomplish, do this to him?

“You need to leave.”

“Kakashi, are you—”

“Do not be so informal with me.” It hurt so much, hearing his name like that, like the past hadn’t happened. “And if you do not leave now, I will be compelled to use force.”

“You’re not being fair!”

A harsh, bitter bark of a laugh fell out of him before he could stop it. “I think that it’s not only ironic, but hypocritical of you to speak of _fairness_ to _me_.”

Kakashi didn’t need to open his eye to know that Iruka had shut his. “That was a low blow.”

“You would know; you are, after all, the master of them.”

“Goddamn it, I didn’t come with here to fight with you!”

“You surprise me. You certainly can’t be here for my conversational skills.”

The silence stretched out. “I made a mistake.”

“Tell me why I should give a damn.” This went beyond simple cruelty; this was malicious and straight-up torture. He didn’t want to listen, didn’t want to be broken even more than he already was. _Why_ was Iruka doing this to him?

“Will you stop it?” Kakashi could feel the growing anger being suppressed in Iruka’s warm voice. “I’m trying to apologise and I don’t need you making this harder than it already is!”

An ugly, twisted thread of hope curled around him and Kakashi hated himself for feeling it and hated Iruka for still having the power do this to him. Iruka had no _right_ to come in here and dangle hope like that in front of him like that! He had no right to come back and mock Kakashi!

He would do anything not to hear Iruka out; how could he be expected to heal if Iruka did this?

This meant he was going to have to use one of his trump cards.

“There’s nothing that you could say that would change the matter, so there is nothing left for you to say.”

There was no need to turn over or to look at Iruka’s face to know that he knew exactly where those words last were said. Iruka was probably looking like someone slapped him right now because that was exactly how Kakashi had felt when Iruka had said those words to him a year ago.

“I deserved that,” Iruka whispered a few moments later. He sounded like he wanted to cry.

Strange, Kakashi didn’t feel better now that Iruka knew how it felt.

“Just…just please tell me why you are planning to leave the village.”

 _And what I can say to make you rethink that decision_.

Kakashi shuddered at the unspoken words that hung heavily over him and fought the urge to pull Iruka close. He didn’t need this; he didn’t need Iruka back in his life; he didn’t need to vulnerable so Iruka could hurt him again.

Kakashi sighed deeply. The tiredness was starting to sink into his bones. “What difference will it make, Umino-san?” He could hear Iruka stiffening at the very formal use of his name and it only made him feel worse. “You’ll gain nothing from knowing and I’ll gain nothing in telling you. You won’t know anything that you don’t already know. It won’t improve your life, so what difference will it make if I tell you?”

“I don’t know,” Iruka said a few moments later. “I…I don’t want you to go because I made a mistake. It’s not fair to punish the entire village when I’m the one the one at fault. I…that’s…I couldn’t live with that, knowing that I pushed you that far.”

The disgusting, dirty bit of hope tangled itself around Kakashi’s heart and made him bleed a little bit more, tainting his blood with its grim. He didn’t deserve the title of shinobi; he was too weak to be worthy of it.

“And…” Iruka took a deep breath, then plunged ahead. “I don’t want you to go when…when we have so much that’s unresolved. I thought…I thought that if maybe I apologise and listen to you like I should have in the first place, we both could get some closure. I don’t know about you, but I can’t move on.”

Kakashi couldn’t breathe.

“I know we can’t go back to the way things were before, but I really don’t think I want that.” Iruka, now that he had started, seemed unable to stop. “I just don’t want to be where I am right now. I don’t like where I am or what I’ve become, but I can’t change any of that without you. I know that you have every right to be mad at me and not want to talk to me, but we can’t keep going about things this way. I…we really need to just talk so we can come to some sort of resolution.”

Damn that man! Damn his ability to make that downtrodden hope look less and less filthy! Damn his ability to crawl under all Kakashi’s defences!

“I don’t think we can do that.” Kakashi rolled over on to his back and stared up at the ceiling. He couldn’t do this.

“ _Why_? We’re not getting anywhere! We’re _stuck_ —” Iruka abruptly bit back his words when Kakashi looked at him for the first time since the encounter began.

Kakashi knew what Iruka would see. Iruka always knew how to read him and he was too emotionally exhausted to even try hiding now. It would be written there in his eye. It would make it clear why they couldn’t talk any more and why Iruka had to leave. He couldn’t risk himself like that again and if Iruka stayed, he was going to.

No matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried, no matter what lie he fed himself, he was in the same place he had been in before everything had happened, only now he was broken and in love instead of being whole and in love.

He was pathetic.

Iruka’s breath caught painfully in his throat and Kakashi hated what he saw in response. It made the repulsive little piece of hope around his heart start to burn. He was going to fall further and he didn’t want to think about what he certainly was going to hit on the way down because it was ceasing to matter.

Almost trembling, Iruka stretched on his hand and let it hover over Kakashi’s cheek. Kakashi—being the spineless fool that he was—wanted that hand to touch him more than he wanted to heal or be a ninja.

“Oh Kakashi,” Iruka sighed sadly. “We’re a pair of idiots, aren’t we?” The hand stroked the masked face at last and Kakashi felt the twisted bit of hope start to bloat and grow.

After a long pause, Iruka spoke again. “We still need to talk.”

“I know.”

“Would…would you like me to get some ramen from Ichiraku’s and we could eat something while we discuss things?”

“I suppose that could work. It would be different from the hospital’s food.”

Iruka didn’t smile. “This is a lot that we have to go through.”

“I know.”

“It might take more than one meal of ramen to get through it all.”

Kakashi slowly shut his eye and concentrated on keeping his heartbeat calm. “You’re right, it might.”

He could feel the small tentative smile. “I…just thought you should know.”

“I appreciate that.”

A hand quickly brushed his and he heard Iruka leave. Only then did he open his eye.

Perhaps…perhaps he had gotten somewhere, after all.

  
_x Fin x_   



End file.
